Tips for Delivering Difficult Feedback
- Express empathy for the person’s problem, concern, or point of view.
- Point out inconsistencies between the person’s values and their behavior.
- Validate the reluctance to change as natural; but not beneficial to him/her.
- Express confidence in the person’s ability to change.
- Ask what he or she is willing to do differently.
- Ask for a commitment to do it.
- If willing, help the person fill out a “Contract for Change.” (Have the kids work from their own account so they have ownership and control over the content.)
- Help the person with the items in the Tips to Achieve Success” column.
1) Help kids decide what they really want in life and write goals to achieve it.
2) Identify the positive skills they need to achieve their goals.
3) Have kids practice the new skill(s) several times and praise their efforts.
4) Track behavior and reward efforts.
5) Hold a pleasant, personal conference with your child and use the steps of Positive Criticism and Difficult Feedback listed below when agreements aren’t met.
BEFORE YOU BEGIN ask yourself these five questions: (If the answer is yes to all of them, then proceed in a kindly manner.) 1) Is it my responsibility to give this person feedback? 2) Is the criticism true? 3) Is the criticism necessary? 4) Have I thought of several positive things about the person that I can first share with him or her? 5) Did I ask for and receive permission to criticize? (Ex: “I noticed some things that seem to be causing you trouble. May I talk to you about it?”)
How to Give Positive Criticism and Difficult Feedback
PREPARE:
1) Feel genuine respect and concern for the person. Remember to protect the relationship.
2) Pick a good time. (Don’t criticize when someone is angry or upset.)
3) Pick a good place. (Usually quiet, and away from other people.) Sit side-by-side (same team.)
4) Have a pleasant face and calm voice. Look STRAIGHT IN FRONT of you when describing a problem or giving negative comments.
DELIVER:
1) Say what you like about the person first.
2) Ask if the person has noticed the problem or listen to them describe their problem.
3) Describe how the problem affects others or is negatively affecting the person’s life. (I noticed…) or ask them what happened. Try to imagine the problem as something outside of you, an imaginary object in front of you. Point to the imaginary object to focus negative energy there, rather than at the person.
4) Ask what he/she thinks the solution might be. Offer your own solution if asked.
5) Ask if he/she will make the change; and offer to help write up a “Contract for Change.”
6) Thank the person for discussing and listening. Express love/appreciation, say something positive about the person (I really like how you…)